Right now, I'm reading, The Artist's Way by: Julia Cameron. (for the third time, yet this time i promise i'll finish!) This book is a classic tool when it comes to helping artists open up their creativity. That's where i'm at - coming back into my creativity as of 4 weeks ago - Thanks to the first week of reading this book again, it sparked me to create this blog!
Not sure when exactly i got shut down? My classical training as a violinist for 9 years helped me explore my gift as an artist. At 17, i was touring all over Europe with my symphony and training with the best instructors at Northwestern University's School of Music. It was a very intense part of my life - practicing for hours and hours a day. When i was 19, i stopped playing after not getting into the music conservatory that i auditioned for. And instead, modeling and traveling started to take over. It was definitely possible to have both exist in my life simultaneously however, for some reason modeling did not support my musical endeavors - or, at least i didn't allow it. Actually, i had many offers to play my electric violin w/my friend, DJ Erin during Milan's Fashion Week - In fact, they heard me play and i was invited to play Roberto Cavalli's after party. i turned it down. Ha! If anything, that probably would have helped me get a few more modeling jobs! Instead, my self-esteem was so low i could not even recognize or give myself any credit for having a little talent.
Playing the violin was such a love/hate relationship. and actually modeling was too! kinda like being stuck in a bad relationship for just way too embarrassingly long.... kinda like wearing a velcro jumpsuit and getting stuck to everything until you're too restless to move - thanks bruno!
Nonetheless, my life had become flat & miserable.
So, in this book there's a bunch of weekly assignments and exercises. Each day, first thing in the morning, i write 3 "morning pages" in my journal and once a week i have to take myself out on an "artist's date" That means you (and ONLY you) take yourself out and nurture your inner child/artist. Last night, my date and i took myself to see, Bruno
It was very funny. Be aware: it's almost on the verge of porn. Something i probably wouldn't take mom to go see or the young ones. Anyways, the date was successful - Other than the fact that my date called me FAT!! Crazy, right? Can't believe how bad we can treat ourselves and think nothing of it. kind of like an unspoken secret kept between you and yourself. whereas if your real date (or anyone for that matter) called you FAT you'd be on the phone with your best girlfriend- in shock & awe!
The first and most important thing to do is become aware of the bad body thought. The moment you can send awareness to the internal voice that is telling you that you're other than beautiful for being just the way you are - the less power it will have over you. Next step, apologize to the body part that you are attacking (be it your hips, thighs, belly, arms etc) Think about it this way: If you lived with someone who was as abusive to you as you are about your body, you would have the option to move out. Well, unfortunately you don't have that option here. Day after day our body suffers from our remarks and endless attacks on its size and shape. So next step is to challenge the attacker that taught you to look at yourself with disgust. Who says that my hips are too big? is the question you must always have in mind. Allow yourself to create a little dialogue between you (the attacker) and your specific body part (i.e. your hips) Ask your hips what you can do to be more supportive. Lastly, let it go.
These are the first steps to putting an end to the swamp of self-sabotage. From here on out, we both can start to develop a safe atmosphere where thoughts and feelings can exist minus the disgust & ridicule.
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